So much time has slipped away...

...and I kept no notes! None at all. Mind's a blank now. So I'll just do what I usually do, which is pick up a book from the shelf randomly, then open a random page and put down the randomly read words...

A word that is read but not thoroughly understood is a word that is dead. Unless completely intelligible meaning flies from the spoken or written work to the mind we are left unprpfited. How much more then should we learn to give careful attention to the words we use in important study and serious discussion.

Ouch! That was too random. It's from Paul Brunton's Hidden Teaching Beyond Yoga (page number... damn! I slipped it shut.). I stumbled into Brunton about 8/10 years back with his A Search in Secret India, which was fantastic (a lot of it seemingly unbelievable).

But it was one of those phases (they come every now and then) when I wanted to tap into some secret source of energy/intelligence/powers of the mind. All a fantasy world really, sort of escapism, where I wanted to do much without any hard work involved. Like going back to school (early years at that!), with the current (as in current when I used to imagine so and not necessarily now) levels of awareness/intelligence and then show off to the rest of what I knew. How amazing to write a strongly worded letter on the demerits of corporal punishment, the criminality involved, a psychological analysis of the teacher and predictions on what the victim may become. Reading newspapers, the politics and business section at that, and asking elders what they thought of the government's policies (actually, I can't do that even now!) and doing so many other things that would be so surprising coming from a 9/10 year old. Such was the sickness that led me to read tons on how the yogis could do this and that. Comes from a secret (not anymore!) desire to be a performer. Of entertaining. Of being applauded!

But I know the foolishness of such daydreams and I'm happy to report they don't occur with alarming frequency anymore. Perhaps I'm getting cured. Perhaps I'm getting sick. Oh! It's a fun life any which way!

So back to Brunton Sahib. I've never been able to find his A Search in Secret Egypt, which is a decent read too I've heard. He was a British journalist who (I think after quitting journalism) roamed in India (among many other places) in search of mystics. I would certainly read him very differently now than I did about a decade back!

What must remain...

The week that was...

There's still a day left to it but I thought it couldn't be too different from the others...

This is how it went:

First the row started by one of the communities (Gujjars) in Rajasthan who want to receive the 'Scheduled Tribe' status to avail of the quota benefits ('affirmative action' in India where Scheduled Tribes (STs), Scheduled Castes (SCs) and Other Backward Classes get preference in education and jobs). It's an extremely politically sensitive issue here (as it would be anywhere in the world I suppose). But Rajasthan, an otherwise rather peaceful state, burned for a week. Some 25 people killed. The Supreme Court of India called it a 'national shame', not that it would've been otherwise if the Supreme Court hadn't said so.

The rioting had spread to the borders of Delhi too. As I took a right turn to my office on Monday, I found the road blocked by policemen. So I took a detour. Some colleagues couldn't make it too work at all. But the work went on without really anyone being able to pay any attention to the events outside. By the evening we heard things were better and that a truce had been called. And as I drove back home I saw remnants of a burnt tyre and thought how disconnected, how uninvolved, I was with what was happening. It's like we're living in different worlds in the same country. And then I got caught up in traffic and forgot about it.

The day before was very upsetting. I reached home at about 10.30pm and saw my sister standing outside the door trying to feed something to one of the stray dogs near our house. He kept crying and couldn't move. It was a pathetic sight. We called some 10 numbers but none had a 24hour service. Finally found a number of some guy who's not studied much but is fond of animals and has learnt 'veterinary things' on the job. He gave two shots of pain killers to this poor little dog and we put him in my car and drove some 35kms away to a hospital. There the vet looked and said "suspected rabies", we'll have to put him to sleep. I asked if he was sure and he said they'll keep him under observation for 2/3 days. By the time I left this duration was being referred to as 1 day and I had a sad feeling they'll put him to sleep the minute we turned our backs. But the dog was immobilized in the lower half and seemed so much in pain that I wondered if that would be better for his own sake. I didn't have the heart to call again to find out what happened...

Last night I picked up a book of short stories in Hindi and read a bit before sleeping. Was reading a Hindi book after such a long time. Was refreshing to take in a new script. Before sleeping I promised myself that I'd swim in the morning today with a friend but all that happened this morning was that I instead swam in a small pool that was new to me; warmed up with funny dances before plunging in; people asked me if they should wear a cap for they had long hair; didn't remember what I answered; found the pool being in the basement was rather dingy and depressing; and finally figured out it was a bloody stupid dream when I started swimming the fly…

Today was rather unexciting except that the weekend feels closer.

Lying on my desk are 'Three Colours Blue' and 'Jeux Interdits', both of which I think I'll be returning to the library without seeing them.

Well somewhere in the middle of nothing I managed to read Amy Tan's 'The Joy Luck Club', which was mesmerising...

As I begin to sleep...

The words, they come
The thoughts, they move
They halt and break
Then join and take
A flight, a ride
A foggy glide…

Then words, they go

The thoughts, they fade
A stillness inside, silently wakes
As the dream I touch
Begins to break…

a brilliant sun,
a glowing light,
a bit of you,
a dizzy height;

a lilting tune,
a tilting sight,
a different hue,
a fleeting night;

and then, a goodbye…