Follow up anxiety...
My dad works for the government so we were shifting places every couple of years in our (my sister and I that is) growing up and college years. Now work ensures we stay put in a city while he still moves around quite a bit.
We got it from those early years I think. This urge to keep moving. Just when we started to settle in a place, along came his posting. But we never complained about it. It was always so exciting to be in a new city with new people around. The joy of packing up (well, there was this sadness of losing half our belongings in the process as well) and the joy of unpacking. That lovely sense of change. That excitement of a new exploration in the offing. And we took a little from all places we went. And left behind bits of ourselves.
Which is why I was earlier a reluctant tourist and longed instead to be a traveller. A superfluous distinction perhaps. A fleeting glimpse of places and people was just not enough. I wanted to live every place I went for a while. To pick up the dialects. Observe and absorb the ways of the people there. I never kept notes of any of the places I visited which I regret so much now.
But now even being a tourist seems a luxury. Feels like life is slipping away, while the entire world remains unseen. And so now when I visit a place I feel the anxiety of not being able to soak it all in. I gape with eyes wide open. Try to remember every building, every road, every roundabout, every person, every stray dog, every restaurant and indeed every details of the place I visit. And cheaply click photos like if I didn't that place would vanish not just from my memory but from the face of the earth. And I talk to whoever comes my way. About everything and nothing.
I think I'm always trying to make up for not belonging to that place and almost feel a peculiar sense of guilt for belonging elsewhere (now this 'elsewhere' is elusive too!).
But I think it's an affliction. A sickness of sorts. A lifetime is surely not enough to see and experience the whole wide world. So why feel anxious about these things!? People who have never stepped outside of their houses or villages or cities or countries are not lesser beings for that. If I'm destined not to travel all that much, then so be it. I should thank my stars and/or God for whoever I am and for 'wherever' I am. So that's how I keep trying to rationalize my situation. And fail miserably.
PS: Come to think of it, I feel this anxiety even when I'm browsing around in a music shop or bookshop or library.
PS: Jill asked, and set me thinking all this.
3 comments:
I find it fascinating that your family has stayed intact through your school and college years. That isn’t something that is done much in our culture, but as I grow older, as well as my parents, I find myself wishing that we lived under the same roof once again!
It's kind of strange. But we've been together in a very spread out way. Ever since my sister and I went to a boarding school (some 2 decades ago!), each one of us has ended up staying mostly in a different city. We were never more than two of the four together! But we're always on the phone and taking out time to make visits (it becomes so much more difficult when you're working!) and have always been there for each other.
That said, I sometimes think that a maybe lot of families in India were held together by women my mum's generation and those that came earlier who put up with a lot and to whom the thought of walking away came only in very extreme circumstances. Plenty of reasons for that like social pressure, stereotypes of 'good wives', financial dependence etc. And I'm not commenting on whether it was good then or better now. That's just the way I think things were/are. I do see the downside to this phenomenon which was that many women then remained in marriages that were sometimes quite destructive. Thankfully they would not accept such circumstances as easily today. Given the vastness of this country thought, I'm only talking of a small portion of the urban areas here and things haven't changed too much in most other parts unfortunately...
People here sometimes lament that things are changing and that you see a lot more families falling apart. They blame it on the influence of the 'western' culture, too much modernization etc. I think the underlying problems may have existed even in the older days but exploring avenues (like walking out of a marriage; staying single) were far more difficult.
How I digress!
Oh! I've been meaning to suggest Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Namesake' to you for the last few days. I think you'll like reading it.
I've heard of The Namesake. Coming to theatres in June or July. Supposed to be absolutely wonderful. I'll be sure to watch or read it...whichever comes first in my schedule!
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